very strange day today. i haven't eaten properly in three days and i realized that that was bad so i cut myself a pear and shoved the pieces in my mouth, just standing at the kitchen counter with a fruit knife in my left hand and eating off of the cutting board. i didn't finish it because i couldn't taste anything so i put them in a ziplock bag and tossed it in the fridge. one of my housemates came home sometime during that and she asked me how was your day and i said fine without even looking at her. she must have noticed that i probably didn't want to talk because she just sat down at the kitchen table and started working on something. i figured i might die if i don't eat anything more so i tried to drink some soy milk but i almost threw up. maybe it's ok since i had a little yogurt and black coffee in the morning. before the pear thing i was just laying on the floor in my room in the dark for two hours and i just alternated between crying silently (my other housemate was already home) for no reason, just unreasonable sadness, and apathetically staring at the bottom of my saucer chair. tried to get up a couple times but every time my head rose above 2 ft i just started crying. idk. took a shower and laid in bed for 3 more hours until i realized i really need to start my essay due on friday. did an outline but then got distracted by people i used to know a long time ago. called my mom today, and for some reason she brought up how sad she was when she noticed that at one point some time ago, i looked like i had given up on living and was ready to die. funny she would say that, when she was the one who made me become like that. still, sometimes, even now. lasting. right now? idk. wait. i didn't even finish that coffee. i had maybe 2 oz of coffee and 2 spoonfuls of the yogurt. tasted like shit. actually, the coffee tasted like mold. did i not finish it because it tasted like mold or did it taste like mold because i can't even differentiate taste anymore? i noticed today that i have too many bruises on my knees and scratches on my hands. my body doesn't feel like my own anymore and i never know where my appendages are until i move them. don't even notice that i hurt myself until i see blood on the paper i was writing on. scratched myself but it felt like someone else's hands and not hands attached to my arms attached to my torso. trouble focusing too. forget one thing when i do something else for 2 seconds. looked up symptoms and first thing that came up was suicide prevention hotline. wasn't even thinking of suicide until that came up. actually, a lie. it crosses my mind sometimes honestly i can't even do that, and plus never even thought about it seriously. oh. suicide training is this thursday. did it twice before so it'll be ok this time too. i'm not going to my first class tomorrow, 9am. not that i ever went to it anyway. i need to go to sleep, i think. my left leg hurts. is that because i haven't eaten really or have i been standing too much lately. my back hurts too. this is ridiculous. i can't believe i have to deal with this body and mind and the pain that comes with them. they could at least work in tandem with each other. i can't believe i have to get up tomorrow morning. that thought crosses my mind too many times a night. can't believe i have to go through another day. that thought makes me sleep in until even i realize that being in bed until 4pm isn't maybe the healthiest thing in the world. i can't do that tomorrow. gotta go. gotta do tomorrow. i probably need someone to slap the shit out of me and tell me i'm taking too many things for granted. taking volunteers.

you try a couple times to reach out first. you ask them how they're doing. you wait for a reply and with each passing second feel like they're drifting farther away. in minuscule amounts, small enough that you don't notice that an emptiness has grown somewhere in your lungs until you hear their name slip from another friend's mouth and you realize that a chasm stands between you and them. you think about reaching out one more time. the black abyss drops to nothing at the edge of your toes and you step back, another, one more, then you turn and run. 

maybe it's better that they didn't reply. or maybe you were just too foolish to know that they were quietly telling you they don't need you anymore. 

i don't need you anymore. 

strangers. shaded buildings. cracked asphalt like branches on sidewalks. splotches of autumn leaves and gray bus fumes.

이별을 준비할 시간이 나에게 주어진 건, 이번이 처음인 것 같다.

고등학교 졸업 할 시기에도 갑작스레 전학을 가서 낯선 학교에서 학사모를 입고 졸업장을 받았었다. 대학교도 이 전까지는 1년 넘게 한곳을 다닌 적이 없다.

이제, 이 학교에서 2년을 채우고 내년에 졸업을 한다. 이 느낌은 많이 낯설다.

지금까지 한 자리에 길게 있지 못했던 나에겐 이 2년이란 시간이 길게 느껴져야 할 것 같지만, 졸업이 너무 빨리 다가오는 것 같다. 졸업 후에 뭘 할지, 어딜 갈지, 그런 고민은 먼 얘기라고 생각 했었는데. 이제는 코 앞이다.

벌써 11월이다.

많은 경험을 했다. 처음으로 알바도 시작했고, 모르는 사람들과 룸메이트가 되면서 친구들도 하나 둘씩 만들어 갔고, 좋아하는 사람들도 생겼다. 설레는 순간들도 많았고 두려움을 극복하는 시간들도 가졌다.

이 시간이 좀 더 느리게 갔으면 좋겠다.

아직 이별 할 준비가 안됐다. 나한테 시간이 조금이라도 더 주어졌으면 좋겠다. 학생일 때 연애도 해 보고 싶고, 살 빼서 몸에 딱 붙는 드레스도 입어 보고 싶고, 시험에서 만점도 맞아 보고 싶다. 추운 겨울날에 입김 날리며 좋아하는 사람하고 산책 해 보고 싶고, 늦잠 자고 일어나서 느릿한 하루도 갖고 싶고, 룸메이트들이랑 수다 떨며 영화 한편도 보고 싶다.

하고 싶은 일들은 많은데, 시간이 없다.

sometimes, you need a break from people, and that’s okay. you need to lay down on your bed and close your eyes in silence. maybe just forget about all the things you have to do in the coming week for little while. stay inside until all of your roommates and their friends have emptied the house. finally crawl out when you hear the front door click shut and get a glass of water. the silence fading into a quiet static. sit for a while, watching a show you used to watch with your mom and sister on sundays when things used to be less complicated.

sometimes, you don’t have to think about other people first. sometimes, it can be about you. don’t worry. just take your time.

it's already near mid-September, but i still feel like i'm stuck in 2013. as if i haven't grown or changed since then. as if i haven't moved three times.

i haven't heard from you in months. i wonder if you're okay.

she loved you until flowers bloomed in soft corners of your body, their roots digging into your veins, intertwining beneath your fingers. she waters them every night, keeping her flowers alive in your body as though she was guarding a secret with gentle touches and soft bites. you look at your hands and wonder where you end and she begins. 

it's a familiar pattern, but i still fall for it anyway.

i come across something that reminds me of your name. random things. today, it was a video of a guy playing flight of the bumblebee on marimba that floated up on my facebook feed. i'm always stupid enough lurk back onto your page or scroll down far enough in my album to see your pictures.

and i need to remind myself that i don't need to feel that way anymore. that sinking feeling in my core that always accompanied the thought of letting you down? i don't even know you anymore. you don't even know what i'm up to these days, nor do you care. but just seeing your picture makes me feel sorry for the things i couldn't help. it makes me regret things i had no control over, and suddenly everything since the day i called you last seems like my fault.

that feeling comes like a tidal wave. i see your smiling face, the letters to your name, the checkered pattern of your button up shirt, and with the first exhale, that dark place hidden behind five years of separation comes crawling out and suddenly there are tears prickling my eyes even though the rational part of me knows that i'm happier here, away from being 16 and helpless. i know that you don't think of me anymore. i don't think of you either, except in the moments where something stupidly minuscule takes me back to my teenaged self hunched over a swing in an apartment complex i didn't live in, holding my phone tightly with both hands, waiting for you to call back.

and those pictures make me feel like i'm 16 again, and 16 year old me was hopeless and scared. she cowered behind a ratty couch in the living room when her mom went into a fit of rage. she was always early to everything and was the last to leave because she wanted to be home as little as she could. she isn't someone i want to be anymore, but that was me and i guess you can never really change completely.

would you believe me if i said that i'm happy where i ended up, at least for now? because i am. but it doesn't stop me from being sad about the things that happened.

가끔씩 악몽을 꾼다. 깨어난 후엔 내용이 기억나지 않는데 느낌은 선명하다. 어느 높은 곳에서 떨어지는 듯한, 아찔하지만 또 압박되는 느낌. 뇌가 새하얘지고 심장이 뛰다 못해 터질 것 같은. 가슴 한 구석에서부터 시작하는 파동. 잊혀질 때 쯤 돌아오는 악몽이다.