i come across something that reminds me of your name. random things. today, it was a video of a guy playing flight of the bumblebee on marimba that floated up on my facebook feed. i'm always stupid enough lurk back onto your page or scroll down far enough in my album to see your pictures.
and i need to remind myself that i don't need to feel that way anymore. that sinking feeling in my core that always accompanied the thought of letting you down? i don't even know you anymore. you don't even know what i'm up to these days, nor do you care. but just seeing your picture makes me feel sorry for the things i couldn't help. it makes me regret things i had no control over, and suddenly everything since the day i called you last seems like my fault.
that feeling comes like a tidal wave. i see your smiling face, the letters to your name, the checkered pattern of your button up shirt, and with the first exhale, that dark place hidden behind five years of separation comes crawling out and suddenly there are tears prickling my eyes even though the rational part of me knows that i'm happier here, away from being 16 and helpless. i know that you don't think of me anymore. i don't think of you either, except in the moments where something stupidly minuscule takes me back to my teenaged self hunched over a swing in an apartment complex i didn't live in, holding my phone tightly with both hands, waiting for you to call back.
and those pictures make me feel like i'm 16 again, and 16 year old me was hopeless and scared. she cowered behind a ratty couch in the living room when her mom went into a fit of rage. she was always early to everything and was the last to leave because she wanted to be home as little as she could. she isn't someone i want to be anymore, but that was me and i guess you can never really change completely.
would you believe me if i said that i'm happy where i ended up, at least for now? because i am. but it doesn't stop me from being sad about the things that happened.
0 comments:
Post a Comment