very strange day today. i haven't eaten properly in three days and i realized that that was bad so i cut myself a pear and shoved the pieces in my mouth, just standing at the kitchen counter with a fruit knife in my left hand and eating off of the cutting board. i didn't finish it because i couldn't taste anything so i put them in a ziplock bag and tossed it in the fridge. one of my housemates came home sometime during that and she asked me how was your day and i said fine without even looking at her. she must have noticed that i probably didn't want to talk because she just sat down at the kitchen table and started working on something. i figured i might die if i don't eat anything more so i tried to drink some soy milk but i almost threw up. maybe it's ok since i had a little yogurt and black coffee in the morning. before the pear thing i was just laying on the floor in my room in the dark for two hours and i just alternated between crying silently (my other housemate was already home) for no reason, just unreasonable sadness, and apathetically staring at the bottom of my saucer chair. tried to get up a couple times but every time my head rose above 2 ft i just started crying. idk. took a shower and laid in bed for 3 more hours until i realized i really need to start my essay due on friday. did an outline but then got distracted by people i used to know a long time ago. called my mom today, and for some reason she brought up how sad she was when she noticed that at one point some time ago, i looked like i had given up on living and was ready to die. funny she would say that, when she was the one who made me become like that. still, sometimes, even now. lasting. right now? idk. wait. i didn't even finish that coffee. i had maybe 2 oz of coffee and 2 spoonfuls of the yogurt. tasted like shit. actually, the coffee tasted like mold. did i not finish it because it tasted like mold or did it taste like mold because i can't even differentiate taste anymore? i noticed today that i have too many bruises on my knees and scratches on my hands. my body doesn't feel like my own anymore and i never know where my appendages are until i move them. don't even notice that i hurt myself until i see blood on the paper i was writing on. scratched myself but it felt like someone else's hands and not hands attached to my arms attached to my torso. trouble focusing too. forget one thing when i do something else for 2 seconds. looked up symptoms and first thing that came up was suicide prevention hotline. wasn't even thinking of suicide until that came up. actually, a lie. it crosses my mind sometimes honestly i can't even do that, and plus never even thought about it seriously. oh. suicide training is this thursday. did it twice before so it'll be ok this time too. i'm not going to my first class tomorrow, 9am. not that i ever went to it anyway. i need to go to sleep, i think. my left leg hurts. is that because i haven't eaten really or have i been standing too much lately. my back hurts too. this is ridiculous. i can't believe i have to deal with this body and mind and the pain that comes with them. they could at least work in tandem with each other. i can't believe i have to get up tomorrow morning. that thought crosses my mind too many times a night. can't believe i have to go through another day. that thought makes me sleep in until even i realize that being in bed until 4pm isn't maybe the healthiest thing in the world. i can't do that tomorrow. gotta go. gotta do tomorrow. i probably need someone to slap the shit out of me and tell me i'm taking too many things for granted. taking volunteers.