lemme have a real moment for a sec. so for the longest time, all i've been wanting to do is get away from my mom. i don't hate her. i just think that i'll end up wanting to delete myself off the face of the earth if i live with her for more than a month. and she's not that terrible now, compared to how she was when i had no choice but to live with her, but i still wouldn't be able to do it.

i told my brother the other day that i probably wouldn't be going back home after graduation, that i'd most likely stay here and do something else. and that was always the goal. and then i was supposed to be free. (and i understand how childish and teen-angsty it sounds to say "oh! freedom from my controlling mother asdfhjahskdfa but i. it's just. it's hard to explain and i am terrible with words.)

but after having told him that (and this has been on my mind even before that, just in abstract thoughts), i realize. i see that i'm just pushing that responsibility onto him. my brother, who runs a hole-in-the-wall restaurant by himself, who likes to buy nice things for himself when he can, who wants to get married and have a family, who wants to fix our own broken one, whose status is always in jeopardy, that guy. he has not done anything to deserve being tied down by our mother who refuses to let her children go. he doesn't even go "home" most days. he pays for that home but our mother just fills it with secondhand antiques and furniture picked up from the streets. it's not a place where he belongs.

and i'm not sure what i am going to do. what i can do for him, or this family, or myself. it seems like someone is always going to have to make a sacrifice in this family.

speaking of which, my dad is going to be spending christmas by himself up here, probably working. my sister and i are both going down to socal. and, when i think about it, i have not spent a christmas with him in years.

and i've also thought about graduation, too. looming. so soon. i brought up to my dad what i've been thinking about. i wasn't sure if i should invite him and her and have that awkward encounter again. (i remember how it was for my sister's graduation.) and he said that it might be better if he didn't go. i said that wouldn't be fair for him. then he said that he would also rather mom not know that he is living up in norcal. i said ok. and later i said that he should come to the university commencement instead of the major specific one. he said he'd be grateful even for that. i felt so bad. like i was sacrificing his being there at my graduation where i'd be getting my diploma, simply because i don't want conflict at the actual graduation. but i can't help it. the thought of having both my dad and mom there and having my mom grimacing and speaking about my dad like he's the spawn of the devil right in front of him and ruining everything is going to make me throw up.