i just had an anxiety attack. i am writing this in the hopes of feeling better.

even writing that sentence is really hard. "you call that an anxiety attack? you cried like a fucking baby on the floor and squeezed your shark plushie and couldn't breathe. so what. that wasn't even that bad," is what hindsight is telling me.

i've always had trouble taking up space. i wanted to be invisible. i didn't want to take anyone's time or breath. i didn't want people to look at me or to hear my stupid fucking stutters. we had a staff meeting today and i felt embarrassed and wrong just being there. i just sat my idiot ass down and stayed quiet for 2 hours because i knew that if i spoke, i would

1. stutter
2. lose my train of thought and have a really long awkward silence while people wait impatiently
3. look stupid as fuck as if i don't already look incapable or childish enough.

i was holding it together really well at the end of the meeting to when i walked into my room that i fooled even myself to thinking that i was alright. a coworker gave me a ride and i cracked jokes in her car and we both laughed and it was nice and i got out of her car and walked into my apartment and my housemate was cooking so we shared small chatter and i laughed and we had a good interaction and i went upstairs and i felt my face morph into a blank stare and when i walked into my room i started hyperventilating. i kept thinking, "ok, what's going on. it's ok." and i kept fanning myself because my ears were feeling hot and i paced around my room trying to catch my breath and i wasn't going to let this spill over to something that was going to be much much worse. 

it did, but i still had the capacity to kneel down on the floor slowly and grab a stuffed animal before i curled in on myself and started sobbing. i don't even know what's wrong. i don't know what triggered it; maybe it's just this whole day, or the past three months, or whatever, i don't know. something kept telling me that i'm wrong and i'm making too many mistakes and that i shouldn't even be here and that every single decision i made since march has been a mistake and i just can't seem to do anything right. i make mistakes everyday. i just feel wrong. like i shouldn't be here. 

when i feel very dramatic, on my way to safeway crossing foothill, i think that it'd be ok if i wasn't here anymore. it wouldn't make much of a difference, except to myself, because i'd feel less sad and anxious and embarrassed and wrong and i wouldn't be taking up so much space that i don't deserve. i keep telling myself i don't deserve to be here. i think i'm wrong for being here but i don't know how to fix that. i don't know how to fix this. i can feel better temporarily and smile and do work and get through everything but at the end of the day i am so so so sad and i wish i wasn't in this body taking up so much space. i feel like i don't deserve the air that's circulating in my lungs and i feel bad for hyperventilating. 

i know that i'm depressed, not that i've been doing anything about that. my eating schedule is ridiculous. today i had 3 cups of coffee and a cup of chobani flip yogurt and i can't imagine myself eating anything else tonight. yesterday night i ate so much and made too much food that i couldn't do anything else but eat it. i felt so gross afterwards and i almost threw up but i kept feeling like i need to eat. my sleep schedule is not doing me any favors either. i had maybe 3 hours of sleep last night because i'm so used to sleeping at dawn but i had work at 7am today. i can't handle myself. i need someone to tell me what to do. but i don't want anyone else to know and feel burdened about it.

i need to take up less space. i don't deserve to take up the space that i occupy. i keep telling myself i need to take care of myself tonight if i don't want this to get any worse but i'm also telling myself that i don't deserve that. 

i'm going to see if i can eat anything. then take a shower. i want to lay in bed.