i have been feeling uncontrollably depressed these last few days.

there was an sspc meeting on thursday. i always enjoy going to the meetings and look forward to them, although the anticipation is mixed with a drop of dread at the stress of the dyads. this thursday, though, i was feeling nervous and anxious throughout entire day. it was at its height when i was walking to Evans for the meeting, and i bought three bottles of water on impulse on the way.

i had trouble finding the room, but at the end, i found it; it was a tiny room in the basement with orange spinny chairs and tall walls that made me feel dizzy and suffocated. i sat through the first half of the meeting, usually consisting of announcements and workshops. i couldn't shake that nervous feeling away.

my heart was beating in my chest, enough for me to feel it rumbling in my ears, my hands were cold against my cheeks, and my breathing was shallow. my voice was shaky when we were doing check-ins. that continued through the duration of the meeting.

when it came the time for dyads, since my partner hadn't showed, i said that i'd catch up with her sometime this week and make up the hour.

as i was exiting the room and closing the door behind me, i felt a rush of wind escape my lungs and tears pricking at my eyes, and i hurried out of the building to see that it was raining. then i started crying, putting on my jacket that i had shoved into my backpack, and just started to walk aimlessly.

that feeling continued on to the next morning, friday, and i lingered in bed until sometime after noon.

my sister came in the evening and we spent the next day in san francisco together. she left today morning.

and that feeling was a quiet undertone throughout my time with her. muted, but peeking out in moments of silence while waiting for the bus or gazing at a stoplight. being with her made me feel less lonely, but i knew that once she left, it'd come back full force.