I'm terrible at dealing with the past mixing with the now. That's why I'd have a panic attack if my family ever tried to visit me here while I'm at Berkeley.

Thinking about the past makes me feel dirty. It makes my entire body feel contaminated and I get the strongest urge to take a shower and change the bedsheets I'm laying on. (And I've tried that before, but I would scrub myself until my skin felt raw and I'd still feel dirty.)

It takes an incredible amount of effort and mental exhaustion to keep myself together when I come face to face with things from the past, even if those things themselves were never bad to me. Just the fact that they're associated with the past is enough to make me want to vomit.

Jesus fucking Christ, I don't really know what I'm trying to say. All I'm saying is that I'm laying in bed right now and I can't sleep, and weird things keep popping into my head but I can't seem to distract myself.

But I'm not gonna worry, because I'll be okay by the time I wake up tomorrow. It just doesn't feel good to have to deal with this right now.