There's a sort of heartache that I get every time I see anything related to marching band or drumline, especially from Westminster High. And it's something I can't describe very well. A sort of longing, maybe? Or a sadness from having been ripped away from it? Or a little wistful thought of wishing that time had been kinder toward me and left everything just the way I left it?

I remember during the first competition for 2013 Reach when Jessy told me that I should go up to receive the awards along with him and Itzel. I said, "No, I shouldn't. I'm not captain yet. Probably next year." And at that moment I said that because it felt right; no, I wasn't captain yet, so of course I shouldn't go up. And of course, I was going to be pit captain next year, so I could go up for awards then.

So I was pit captain the next year. The show 2014 Caged held a lot of meaning for me and I felt like such an important part of it. So when my mom pulled me out of band a week before our first competition, I was terrified of the fact that I won't be a part of it anymore. I was having a huge impact on the group because I couldn't show up to rehearsals and Niki had to play as first marimba. I cried everyday and my mom told me to get over it. She didn't understand that band had stopped me from offing myself when she made my life so hard.

But I showed up to the first competition because not being an official part of the band couldn't stop me from being in drumline. So I performed, and I left immediately afterwards. I didn't go up for the awards even though I was captain because I had to go home. I told Niki to go up instead of me.

At that moment I wished that I had gone up for awards the year before with Jessy and Itzel. I never went up for drumline awards. It's such a small thing but it was so important to me. And even though I held no negative feelings toward Niki, a freshman, my link crew freshman, my very trusted second marimba at the time and a great, fantastic friend, I couldn't help but feel overwhelmingly jealous at the fact that she was such a great player and that she was able to pull off the pressure of playing as first marimba. And I was jealous that her mother didn't pull her out of band because even though a thought like that doesn't really make sense, it did at the time because I was so terrified of not being a part of the band.

I'm just ranting now. Which, I guess, I typically do. The point is I never went up for drumline awards. And that makes me sad. Watching the show recordings on Kim Long's channel makes me sad. I'm afraid that the recordings of Caged and the show for the year after that will make me sad so I never watched them. I watched the recording of the marimba cam for Caged where it's just a focus cam of Niki because it made me cry, thinking that that could have been me. Even though it's not important. Not at all. I heard the little cues and saw my wrist snapping for time and the way I looked at left and right at Kim-Lan and Kevin and all of that makes me sad.

Can you tell I watched the recording of Reach today for the first time in years?

I didn't proofread this. Feel free to message me on Facebook and tell me about all of my misspellings and grammar mistakes.